Prayers unanswered...

For sure all of us will have a list of prayers unanswered isn’t it? Here is my list which is pending from last 20yrs!

1. I always had a very short hair most of the times I was mistaken to be a boy kid and so my every night prayer was requesting god to give me long hair over night which I can braid beautifully in the next morning.  Oh yes it did grow an inch after several weeks and then it was given in the hands of the barber down the street who my dad considered the best hair stylist in the whole world to cut it mercilessly , … Phew all those crying
2. Prayed so many nights that the next morning there should be school holiday and the notice should be like ‘School is closed for 1year’.  A variation of this prayer was expecting summer holidays in the month of December.
3. When I was 4, I was too curious to taste coffee obviously I was too bored of those health drinks like Horlicks and Complan. When asked for coffee, I had got a very convincing explanation from Amma saying only elderly people who sport mustache drink coffee, so almost every day I prayed for Mustache!!!
4. I always prayed god to turn my younger sister into a little kitten, because I always wanted cat as my sibling and Amma by mistake delivered my sister!!! And every morning I peeped into the cradle to see if my prayer was answered until one day I was caught by Appa and got nice beatings for waking up my sister.
5. My very serious prayer was requesting god to send my look alike to my home, remember those 80s movie where hero’s look alike suddenly comes home!!! And so I wished for one such entry in my life too, so that I could use her as my body double when Appa showered his beatings on me!
6. I prayed god that I should be kidnapped on June 1^st as that’s the only way I can miss the school and not be blamed as well, I prayed this for almost 4 years not once it was answered !!!

These are very few which I can remember now and I am sure you all will also have such unanswered prayers. Please… please share it with me :D so that I feel better that I am not the only one who is been neglected by dear god for so many years ….

Takka Dhimi Takka Janum

I am told that I was 3yrs old when I used to dance when my grandfather’s melodiously sings for me as “Mella Mellane bandane Gopamma kelle” a very cute toddler song describing Lord Krishna’s pranks. Little did I know that this dancing of mine was being considered seriously by my parents and grandfather!

So as soon as I was 4 I was put in a dancing school “Raagashree Nrityalayam”. And that’s when I started dancing my way. It dint take long for me to start enjoying the grace of dancing. As my master started teaching me mudras, taalas my interest grew deeper and I was totally drenched in the beauty of dancing. My learning of dance, practicing for stage performance, coordinating the events, practicing for dance exam was all huge part of mine and my parent’s life. Until one day I decided to choose studies as priority over dancing.

And so today no more dance classes, no more rehearsals, no more stage performances but often I am left with a huge question to answer and that is whether those 15yrs of my life spent mostly thinking about dancing and learning to dance was of no use? Was it all a total waste of time? I mostly blink and smile at this question and refuse to tell how I feel about it and that’s because I just cannot explain what a magic those 15yrs has on rest of my life.

Learning a bit of dancing in those 15yrs has given me opportunity now to perform some small shows and every time I dance I realize that dance has a huge impact on my life. It’s not exaggeration if I say dancing transforms me into a whole new person. I am a person who is a bit low on confidence but then the moment I am on stage I transform into a beautiful lover of lord Krishna, I proudly express the ego of possessing Krishna, I manage to show that attitude, I manage to express that want, I manage to enact the pain of betrayal and so I mange to forget the person who I am in real world. And again I realize these few moments of skip from real world which dance has managed to give me are really priceless. And trust me even that small stint in dancing has added magic in my real world too. Dance has taught me to manage my expression, hide my pain, show that sparkle of happiness in my eyes, express my love, and so I am very expressive, because of all those managing events I know how to mingle with people around and appreciate the effort which goes into small things in making a huge event successful and So those 15yrs has major influence in shaping my views.  

it really doesn’t matter if you don’t master the art but what really matters is what you get out of the little learning . So pursue those and life seems very beautiful when you get a chance to do those things you love and even more beautiful when you sit back and remember those things.

I am dragged back from these thoughts as the announcement of my name is done and at the recital of “Takka Dhimi Takka Janum” here I go again to perform a small show for the audience who fondly accept my mistakes and encourage me.

Peace between muttering chants, folded hands and closed eyes….

For I am a bit of agnostic it really takes a rare occasion or a lot of force and sometimes blackmailing to make me visit a temple.  And after all this consider if I go to any temple, for me it’s more of an entertainment than finding peace or divinity. My Theist friends please be considerate, as this post is not at all to hurt your feelings but to tell everyone about what my eyes searches there.

In these abode of divinity my eyes keeps scanning the people there. A weird thing which happens with me always is I start connecting with people around deeply more than an expected profound deep connect with the god almighty in temple. I keep observing the crowd where many are smiling, many silent, many eyes from which the tears rolls down silently, many mouth which keeps chanting, many talking, eating prasadam, many performing rituals, many hands folded, many eyes closed but beyond all these different expressions and actions the only common thing is “hope”. A hope of being heard, a hope of being answered, a hope of being forgiven, a hope of blessing, a hope of strength, so many forms of hope, all under one roof.

Just not these you can as well see many other emotions, ego, anger, frustration, tension, like any other place it prevails here as well. Ego of performing a ritual right, ego of knowledge, ego of wealth, Anger on each other, anger on self, frustration and tension for every delayed thing. As I continue to observe the same things on my every visit I am reassured that the Temple is a place one must visit regularly not for any divine blessings or magic in life but for sure this place makes one really humble as you will get to see and learn the real value of life through so many eyes there.

Sitting here and typing about my experience, my mind wanders again among those chants, laughter, noise, rhythmic hymns, scent of incandescent, warmth of camphor, moisture below the feet, folded hands and closed eyes, I am yet again reassured life is so beautiful and this gives us so many more reasons to live life fully to see and be among all these.

Call it divinity or call it a rush of emotions in my confused mind, a tear dropped down from my eyes as I stepped out and I must accept I did find enchanting Peace between muttering chants, folded hands and closed eyes.

On a cold windy night...

It was a cold windy night, Reema barged into her apartment she was so much at peace at that very moment. She could just not believe that it was only few days that she was gone but then she had missed this place a lot already. There was a unique fragrance of this place which lingered around in this little apartment which was fondly named “Our Nest” by her twin sister Ruhi.  Well educated, beautiful and very well financially secured, life was fairy tale for these sisters.

Almost all of their friends and people around discussed about this very deep bonding these twins shared between them. Very friendly and outgoing attitude of these twins kept them close to all their friends and people around. Everybody knew when there would be fights, when they wanted to surprise each other when they really missed each other. Soon Reema and Ruhi were fond members of that apartment block.

It was night 12 when Reema came in this day cursing the maid for sleeping so deeply, she walks ahead and observes a faint yellow light in Ruhi’s room. It was this only nature that Reema and Ruhi were different in, Reema could never manage to get up early in the morning and Ruhi could never keep her eyes open after 10 in the night. But today Ruhi was still awake surprised to see Ruhi awake, Reema decides not to disturb her darling sister. Walking on her toes she slowly got into her room but hardly she could avoid the load creaking noise from her room’s door,  cursing herself for not getting it fixed at the right time she decides to hide in the closet for she was sure that Ruhi would come searching for her. Playing pranks and scaring her darling sister was always her favorite pass time.

On hearing this loud creak Ruhi started shivering and sweating profusely, part of her mind wanted to go check but the other part dint let her move from that corner where she was sitting from the day Reema had left. Pulling out the drip’s syringes from her hand Ruhi slowly walks towards Reema’s room. She knew nobody was there as Reema had left but still she missed her lot and she expected Reema to scare her.

There was the same loud creaking noise again and Reema hiding in the closet was sure that Ruhi was there and all of a sudden she jumps out of the closet expecting Ruhi to shout and curse he but then Ruhi silently stood there staring at her with no reaction cold as stone there was no hint of fear in her face Reema was shell shocked to see Ruhi in operation gown and syringes plugged into her tender arms.

Ruhi stood their silently did not utter a word but tears rolled down her eyes. Reema was shocked to see Ruhi like that she ran towards Ruhi to hug her but Ruhi just neglected and silently started walking back to her room. She could just no put the pieces together she had gone out on her onsite assignment few days back and everything was normal but now she is seeing Ruhi in such bad condition. She was hurt, she was worried, she was totally confused as why  didn't anyone try to inform Reema about Ruhi.

Getting back to her senses, she rushes to ruhi’s room opens the door and there she was again with no reaction staring outside the window and tears still rolling down from her eyes. Seeing this horrifying status of her sister who is everything to Reema lying like living dead on the bed. Reema sinks down, cries aloud holds her sister shouts at her sister asking what had happened why she wasn’t informed about all these.

Nevertheless Ruhi did not react a bit; she continued to stare at the dark night in silence. Reema cried, shouted and demanded again and again it made no difference to Ruhi, she sat there cold. Reema struggling to find out some details gets hold of an Orange file, flipping it open she lands on the case history sheet which mentions “Ruhi Pranav, Case of depression, repeated attempts to commit suicide”. Reema could just not believe her eyes, she reads and reads the entire file until the pages were filled with her tears, what could have happened? How would she figure it out? She decides to meet the neighbors first thing in the morning. Reema leaned across that wall and sobbed seeing her sister state. All she could remember was their last fight, she could just not imagine for such a lame reason Ruhi would take such an extreme step…That diwali evening…

 It was diwali evening, and all their neighbours were out of their apartment block gathering in common area to enjoy the firework. But Reema was busy packing for her onsite trip which she had to leave in sometime and Ruhi was completely against this. Though Ruhi did help her sister to pack for the trip she kept opposing and fought on every single opportunity she got. Reema could easily sense the inner meaning of all these and she too deeply missed her darling sister but taking this trip was very important to her. She was trying to convince but Ruhi was angry and told that she would not help her carry bagages, by then Reema gets a call from the cab driver and she requests him to come over to help carrying the luggage. It was then Reema had decided to play the prank. When she was all set to start, Reema coming out of her home forcefully locked up Ruhi inside using her keys leaving Ruhi behind and mocking Ruhi from the other side of the door. Ruhi kept begging for Reema to open the door and promises not to fight but to hug her before she leaves by then the cab driver comes to collect the luggage, on signaling him to start Reema turns to smile at her helpless sister and waves her hand.  She could remember Ruhi shouting at her and leaving to get her spare key

Reema is pulled back from her thought by a hysterical scream and she shivers at the sight of her sister's ghostly white face, Ruhi was screaming, crying shouting loud she couldn't understand what to do to console her. Ruhi dint seem like respecting any words of Reema, she dint even consider reema being there, Reema doubted if she even recognizes her, Reema runs to call her neighbors for help by then 4 of their neighbors and the maid comes rush in to Ruhi's room, Reema tries to say what happened there by then Suryanarayan an elderly person holds ruhi in his caring arms calming her down asks everyone to keep quite. Consoling ruhi becomes extremely difficult he calls the doctor to come immediately. Reema utterly shocked and dumb struck moves away from the crowd. One of them whom came with them asks Suryanarayan about the reason for this young girls suffering.

Suryanaryan sighs "Its Reema, Its all becuase of Reema..." and cries out loud. Shocked and astonished by this allegation even before she fights back Suryanarayan points at the photo hanging on the wall with a garland and tells

"Reema and Ruhi are very fond sisters. The day Reema had to leave on her onsite assignment, that unfortunate diwali evening we were all out celebrating the festival and none of us were in this block. A criminal who introduced himself as a cab driver Raped and brutally murdered Reema right in front of Ruhi and Ruhi couldn’t help in anyways from that very moment Ruhi has become lifeless. It’s been 15 days now Ruhi speaks nothing other than shouting and has attempted to commit suicide many times now. Police are waiting for Ruhi to recover to get some information on that rouge but there are no signs of Ruhi becoming normal, This is a very unfortunate and brutal story of these sisters!"

Reema drops down cold and only then she realizes unbearable pain deep inside her. More than her scars of that evening, pain of separation from ruhi when she knew that Ruhi needs her hurts her a lot. As she stood there unnoticed cursing her fate, a faint luminous light falls all over her and absorbs her. And yet again Ruhi stares at the endless cold windy night.