Monsters everywhere, those scary long nails, ferocious red
eyes, I was very sure all they wanted to was to constantly harm me. My only
escape route from those was to hide behind the fairy goddess who always flashed
a bright smile and slashed her long black sword to drive away those monsters in
no time.
Well, childhood and its fantasies confines to no logical
explanation, be it a dream or the imaginary monsters which terrified me, they
always drove me to hide behind my mom. Surprisingly she never required me to explain
a word to her about my distress and it hardly took a minute for me to get back
to the cheerful self as she flashed her beautiful smile, held her neatly
braided jet black plait and slashed around saying “Go away you monsters don’t ever
bother my angel”.
All these memories started gushing years later, as I sat
beside the window staring at nothing, caressing all those wounds caused by never
ending infusion of hormones, I could only think how those imaginary monsters
were much less scarier than the events and situations of today. I had started
falling apart, although we had everything around us but the one thing which
left me incomplete was the very report which was right in front of me which turned
my life upside down. The hopeless, helpless, feeling that crept had started
growing deep in me, when doctors told that there was nothing wrong with us but
yet I cannot be mother for no reason. People around kept prying in my life, hopes
that peeped with every hormone injection died terribly with every failed test,
the emotional torment doubled with every unwanted comment people made. Trust me it’s impossible to explain what a
woman battling infertility faces day in and day out in Indian society.
I tried my best to hide my agony which did mostly go unnoticed
amongst many but with my fairy goddess it failed as always. One day out of the
blue my mom called me when I was at work and requested me to come along with
her on a shopping outing. Although I had no inclination to shop or participate
in her shopping there I was driving my car with her speaking endlessly about
every possible things on earth. As I was about to take the road to the shopping
mall she requested if I could make a short detour to meet her friend, I knew I
had no option and I followed her instruction. Event that followed this little
detour pulled me from the dark depression instantly into the beauty of life…
There I was at an orphanage of her friend Meera. Impressed by
the liveliness of the kids and the environment, I was forced to ask Meera about
her motivation, laughing it off all she told was there are so many people who
really crave for somebody to love, care and protect them but we somehow neglect
it totally and only concentrate on people we care about, break the barrier love
yourself for all that you are and spread the immense love in you to people who
really deserve. And there was my prescription for depression.
As my mom continued catching up with her friend, I silently
moved behind my mom, hugging her and caressing her neatly braided plait, I smiled
thinking how simple it is for my first expert to help me in any situation.
As she got into car all I could utter was "Thank you mom you are my first expert" and as usual she flashed her beautiful smile held her neatly braided jet black plait, slashing it she said "You monsters here I am back with my expert long black sword, go away you monsters don’t ever bother
my angel”.
Dedicated to all the couples battling infertility…
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