Sailing on the same waters in different boats...

Life brings tears, smiles and memories. The tears dry, the smiles fade, but the memories last forever.

The birds are chirping and the flowers in the park are dancing to this euphonious tune of nature. My heart leaped in the remembrance of the times we danced and hugged, I turned towards him, hoping those arms to wipe the boundless tears which shed relentlessly, but only to see him stare at the hopeless future that's ahead of us. I could not stop the gushing memories and he on the other hand was busy blabbering the same three words which was all the vocabulary he was left with. Alas, how for him the memories are lost forever.

This evening for sure makes to the list of the most romantic evenings we have spent together. Once upon a time such an evening had candles which lit up our love and the most melodious poem which he had whispered in my ears. Screams my mind striving to accept that there is no more "us" in his world and beseeches my heart for him to utter a word but there he was blabbering the same three words.

I sat there staring at the infinity wondering at the way fate had played a game of chess with us end of which he was left with life, but lost all his pawns of memories, and I was left with memories but with no life in it. My heart is now like an ocean which has swelled by the never ending inflow of memories. We both are on different boats, but sailing on the same water of memories, I am sinking into it and he is drifting away to the unknown shores, sending waves of excruciating pain.

He had lost the most precious thing in the world his memories which he had made with the people he loved, he sat there not even realizing his loss and I sat there with him, holding onto his memories.
We both were broken picture glued on the wrong ends. Solicits my mind as to who is cursed here is it him or me?


-This blog is my views on the plight of people suffering from Alzheimer and the emotional turmoil that people around them go through
This post was inspired from the blog post made by a wonderful blogger Kappu

A battle with fate...

"Its a boy...", An exclamation which echoed in that operation theater for a moment sounded to me like holding up a sword and announcing the victory.

Yes, this is a little note of our struggle or I would rather call it a battle with fate fought over the years to win fertility. If I count back the day I started to think of raising a family it goes back to 4 years. A hope of raising a new life soon came to a disastrous halt when we learnt it was not that easy to give birth to a new life for us like others, fate had a totally different plan for us.

Although life was very good, infertility set us on a very difficult trail. Hopes, Dreams, Prayers, willingness to endure, had started to crumble at the feet of fate. I at one end was just not willing to give up but every long wait at the gynec, every failed report, every painful intervention, just made the barbarous blow of fate so hard that my sword fell down and was lost in the dust of pain every time. Time kept racing dragging me from year to year, but the struggle never ended. Queues got longer, reports got costlier, tests got painful but there were no signs of hope anywhere.

Almost when I thought I have to accept the defeat as stepped out of the hospital, I turned back and was flabbergasted by the sight I saw there. I saw myself everywhere, yes it was many like me who were fighting the same battle, I was so lost in my own war that I hardly noticed many who are with me fighting the same battle.

Again hope whispered in my ears "Sometimes you just have to wait for fate to make its move". And there I was powered by the love of family and friends, care and dedication of my doctor armed to fight again.

Yes fate is not in our hands, But effort and determination is. End of 4th year, I was there in the delivery room waiting to know the perks of my victory. As the little one was placed on my chest, I at once wanted to shout out Victory at the top of my voice but then realized after all who has won the battle with fate, as always fate must have dropped the sword saying "go live it your way you silly soul".

Tears trickled holding that little beautiful angelic face which sort of was conveying to me that I was never punished, I was just made to wait for this precious gift. Yet again life is beautiful and worth fighting for.

Go away you monsters, don’t ever bother my angel...

Monsters everywhere, those scary long nails, ferocious red eyes, I was very sure all they wanted to was to constantly harm me. My only escape route from those was to hide behind the fairy goddess who always flashed a bright smile and slashed her long black sword to drive away those monsters in no time.

Well, childhood and its fantasies confines to no logical explanation, be it a dream or the imaginary monsters which terrified me, they always drove me to hide behind my mom. Surprisingly she never required me to explain a word to her about my distress and it hardly took a minute for me to get back to the cheerful self as she flashed her beautiful smile, held her neatly braided jet black plait and slashed around saying “Go away you monsters don’t ever bother my angel”.

All these memories started gushing years later, as I sat beside the window staring at nothing, caressing all those wounds caused by never ending infusion of hormones, I could only think how those imaginary monsters were much less scarier than the events and situations of today. I had started falling apart, although we had everything around us but the one thing which left me incomplete was the very report which was right in front of me which turned my life upside down. The hopeless, helpless, feeling that crept had started growing deep in me, when doctors told that there was nothing wrong with us but yet I cannot be mother for no reason. People around kept prying in my life, hopes that peeped with every hormone injection died terribly with every failed test, the emotional torment doubled with every unwanted comment people made.  Trust me it’s impossible to explain what a woman battling infertility faces day in and day out in Indian society.

I tried my best to hide my agony which did mostly go unnoticed amongst many but with my fairy goddess it failed as always. One day out of the blue my mom called me when I was at work and requested me to come along with her on a shopping outing. Although I had no inclination to shop or participate in her shopping there I was driving my car with her speaking endlessly about every possible things on earth. As I was about to take the road to the shopping mall she requested if I could make a short detour to meet her friend, I knew I had no option and I followed her instruction. Event that followed this little detour pulled me from the dark depression instantly into the beauty of life…

There I was at an orphanage of her friend Meera. Impressed by the liveliness of the kids and the environment, I was forced to ask Meera about her motivation, laughing it off all she told was there are so many people who really crave for somebody to love, care and protect them but we somehow neglect it totally and only concentrate on people we care about, break the barrier love yourself for all that you are and spread the immense love in you to people who really deserve. And there was my prescription for depression. 

As my mom continued catching up with her friend, I silently moved behind my mom, hugging her and caressing her neatly braided plait, I smiled thinking how simple it is for my first expert to help me in any situation. 

As she got into car all I could utter was "Thank you mom you are my first expert" and as usual she flashed her beautiful smile held her neatly braided jet black plait, slashing it she said "You monsters here I am back with my expert long black sword, go away you monsters don’t ever bother my angel”.

Dedicated to all the couples battling infertility…

This entry is my submission for #MYFIRSTEXPERT contest sponsored by Godrej Expert rich creme hair color (http://godrejexpert.com/single_used_pack.php)

In the mean time…

It’s been very very long making a post on my blog, this must be the longest I was ever away from my blog. Well at this very moment I don’t know what to feel!  Should I be guilty? Should I be apologetic to myself? Or should I retrospect? …  Well I choose to look around and see how the world changed in the mean time!!!

World has spun over many Plane crashes, Political clashes, World cup match controversies, Rape news,  Wars, Crime, slaughter of innocent people and much more negativity. Walking away from these I can still see a bright sunshine every morning with people like you who dropped me an email suggesting to get back to blogging and cheered me up to set aside my usual reasons to not blog and focus on typing few words to mark my e-presence. 

All the more charming things that are waiting for me is that you all my dear blogger friends have done wonderful posts, many award winning posts as well, so it will keep me occupied, encouraged and entertained. 

Oh by the way, I forgot to mention, In the mean time, from the blessings of Self proclaimed baby making counselors Uncles and Aunties, Me and hubby are on our journey to be mom and dad for the first time. 

So feel free to drop in your experiences, suggestions and fun moments and also be prepared to read few of my hormonal imbalance rants on the blog and be there to encourage me.

So here I am flipping through the days of non blogging to blogging.

Looking forward for more fun!