I choose sound!

Moist trees ornamented with a zillion lush green leaves, I see them flutter. A flock of beautiful birds flew right across my window, I see those wings beat constantly taking them miles away. Little drops of rain pouring down constantly, I see the swell in fertility of everything around. Oh the world I see through my windows is sure to make one feel rapturous, but then I started feeling an inexplicable void. It took me long to realize that one thing which left all of these euphoric visuals insensate.


I stood there frozen while the restless mind continued with its endeavor to fill the void. As I slowly shook, my hands started caressing the window panes that which stood between me and all that magical world out there. Unconsciously I cracked those window panes open, a zephyr of cognizance gushed in. Oh, how I missed it! Indeed, I saw those leaves flutter, the birds flock and the pouring mystical rain, but then I did not hear them, I had missed the pitter patter of the world around me.

Ah, that noisy truck, laughter of the loud passersby, giggles of the kids playing around, yammering call of the pushcart vendor, squeaky bicycles, call it the sound, the noise, whatever for once it dawned upon me that it is the very essence of life. It is after being around in silence for long, I realize it is the significance of life happening around. Although the consistent grapple with noisy life makes one want to experience the blissful silence, its actually the buzz you will want to return to.

While I stand here longing to hear the noisy cousins giggle and gossip, loved ones chit chat, strange partially heard stories of passersby, I incontrovertibly choose the sound over the silence. After all, the absence of the most repetitious lub-dub is when the life ends.


Pic credit

The sounds of muffled cries

Exploring the unknown, a quest for unseen, insatiable urge to know more has always made us all leave our comfort zone and soar away from home. Not just us, every living being has evolved moving away from their comfort zone. Most break the bridges behind only to make sure there is only one path left and that's moving forward, but we humans no matter where we go we carry our home with us.

Life is a constant change of ideas, place, feelings, priorities, but with every new place we see, with every drop of fresh wine, with every new season, we are connected to home no matter where we live. As I sit and type down the chaos of a muddled mind, I always wonder who is at the deep end of reminiscence, is it me or is it the people I left back home.

With every success of ours, there is always at least 2 people who are genuinely happy for us and that's our parents. Being a mom myself, I wonder if there is a training to mask the pain and always put forth a positive valor like my parents do. I see them happy for us to have moved out of our comfort zone, I see them boldly accept that we are not going to be around them and possibly when they want us badly we are not going to be in the reachable distance. But none of this is neither put into words, nor expressed in feelings. Although there is no measure of wistful vibes, a gloomy day makes me wonder if I miss them more than they do!

When we miss something immensely, the world seems to take pleasure in reminding us more. A well groomed garden, a dish which turned out better, a smell of a medicine, aroma of a coffee and a melodious song always fills me with nostalgia reminding me of my dear parents who have put life in all these things. All of us who are away from home will surely understand the masked essence of the emotions I am pouring out here. We all carry a baggage of memories on our shoulder almost all the time. But yet our journeys continue.

Oh the etiolated memories come and go from a distant land, I struggle to hear them speak, I shake those memories to see if they are alive, but they say nothing, when I pause desolated by them I see them shimmer, all these memories seems to have a gift within them. A gift of holding the positive thought giving us strength to soar high, clenching all that matters very close to heart.

And again the phone rings, I see the same smiling faces, my heart is filled with joy and we talk, talk and talk. Just when I seem to have mastered the art of hiding all my emotions and put forth my happy face, they heard the sounds of muffled cries.

PS: This post is in response to a Topic Challenge - "Missing Parents" 

A doleful tale of a hairy vagina

Myself being eldest of the girl gang at home was obviously  introduced to the world of fashion and styling much earlier than the others and so the fashion guru for the little ones at home. 

All the little ones who followed me were ruthlessly introduced to look down upon women who wear sleeveless without waxing their under arms, unkempt eyebrows were not to be forgiven at all and women who desired not to wax their private parts were totally mocked and ridiculed. Girls were told how men like women who maintained, groomed  and portrayed themselves well. Yes, I put these ideas in their mind. Which the fashion world today nurtured it further.

Let's pause here a bit, so the whole idea of maintaining appearances by going through the torturous pain of hot wax being poured on our body and ripping it off the skin to flash the shiny arms enhancing the physical beauty which men like was suggested by me to my sisters and I was introduced by some other woman and so on and so forth. And so all the struggle undergone to look beautiful to men was never actually told by any men, at least not to me. I just blindly chose to believe and spread what my fashion guru introduced me to! 

So it's us who are defining the rules here. It's me and many women like me who laugh at the ones who dared to wear the outfits disregarding their physique, its us who laugh at somebody else's dressing sense, its us who were actively body shaming all throughout and how stupidly I kept blaming men for wanting all these every time a wax strip was ripped off my skin. Thinking of which, not once my husband has mocked about somebody's dressing sense, neither have 70% of my male friends, which is still a good percentage of the opposite sex I know! And at times I dread at the thought that it could be women ourselves, who introduced these as a facet of beauty to Men.

The guilt of not telling my younger sisters that how a kind attitude, a thoughtful insight, a bold valor to be competitive and to be independent, is much more beautiful and sexier than a shiny waxed body, will always be carried with me.The idea I put in my sisters' mind would surely have further propagated to many more and I now fear how many times I am cursed by a doleful vagina as the hot wax rips it off.

(PC: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/428053139555942314/)

With this I make my new year resolution, I say no to any form of body shaming. I will never look down upon women or men for their choice of beauty interests . I promise to introduce beauty in a kinder way to the younger ones no matter a boy or girl. And surely my son will be introduced to see beauty beyond external appearances and also to appreciate all that women do to make this world beautiful.

We nest, migrate and nest again!

I stood there staring for long at the message on my phone, well it was an invite for a house warming ceremony. It would be just another invite if it was not in the current situation I was in. I stood in the living room of my home cluttered with all the carton boxes filled with the stuffs to be shipped. There I was planning a migration to a new place and there was somebody happily nesting in the place I decided to leave, the ironies of life!

Soon the day came when all my bags were packed and I was ready to go but was I really? Life puts us in different situations and takes us to unexpected places, may be to nurture us, for better or only to make us appreciate more all that we had. I left home, left the country, left the familiar to start a new journey, well this journey I have begun is more a deja vu. It's just like starting the life I left back home, all over again. 

Well, they say leaving the comfort zone is to discover something, probably it is discovering ourselves. Slowly I am starting to discover my strengths, my weaknesses and where my heart lies! Trust me, settling in a new place is no less than a meditation. It's a journey exploring yourself. Just while I am finding ways to balance the emotional turmoil of missing people and places back home, suddenly I just know it's time to start something new and trust the magic of beginnings.

Although the memories of goodbyes, warm hugs and tears dropped are still afresh in my heart and is painting a hue of melancholy, I stare at the beautiful drizzle, open up to the cool breeze, try hugging the warm sunlight, and I feel a new beginning is coming my way. It's time that I run towards it opening my arms wide. I left my nest migrated to a new place and have started nesting again. It's time for another adventure. Dear future, I am ready

PS: venting out the chaos in my mind following a recent relocation. :)

Sinfully yours...

How long it's been since our last encounter, Do you have any idea what my crazy heart is beseeching for? I am sure it must be a great pleasure for you to stand at a distance and look at me crave for your one touch, to see my want to melt in your warm breath and my madness to lose myself in your arms.

How do I tell you that just a thought of you gushes my darkest desires. Here I am pondering where this crazy fascination of you would lead me to, as there are times when I think of you so sinfully wicked that my heart skips a beat with delight. I don't want much just your hugs, kisses and you.

It all begins with a single kiss of yours, which is an unstoppable force urging me to surrender. The ravenous for more and more with every touch of yours grows on me unbound. Once in your arms, staring at you all I thought was why this lust but now I know it's love that I am sinking in. And again, I lose myself thinking that such mad passionate love should be experienced at least once in a life time.

Isn't it unfair to keep me waiting like this? I am waiting for the piercing joy that leaves me conquered. I crave for the smell of you and the smell of us. You are not making it easy for me, you are making me want you. How you smile seeing me glow alluringly as you slowly pour your love all over me. Yes, I am beautiful only because you love me.

Lets make some noise together, which will linger in our hearts forever. We are bonded in this tantalizing love for each other, which knows no rule just sheer love. Trust me, I am sinfully yours! Bhumi smiled as the rumblings in her mind will be unheard but she was sure that Varun will know it all in just one kiss.

PS: Personifying hot summer thirst of Earth (Bhumi) for Rains (Varun)! Reread for a different meaning ;) .

A letter to myself on my son's first Mother's day

Dear Me,

Congratulations on your First Mother's day as a mom.

Earlier this year, a little bundle was gifted to you which is a complete package of infinite kisses, abundant love, warm hugs, innocent laughter, ton loads of memories to treasure, tears of happiness, personification of true love, a bit of heaven and a lifetime joy. From the moment this little bundle was placed in your arms, you are lost in the world of pure love which never before existed in your life.

Just 9 months into motherhood, you have explored the many faces of  happiness and fears, you have mastered the art of understanding the coos, you are ready to give up on your choices, you are bound strongly to the tiny soul which revolves around you. Kudos mamma, this is exactly when you pop a champagne, relax with a sense of accomplishment and wish yourself for being a mom finally!

But let's pause a bit. The reminiscence of all those tears, which trickled down as you secretly hoped for a blessing from all the mothers to sparkle some baby dust on you as you wished them on Mother's Day previously,  must knock your heart. As you read through the lovely messages wishing you for being a first time mom, let your heart slip into the memoir of all the failed prayers, lost hope and pain endured then. It might push you to contemplate whether to celebrate now or to silently pray for those enduring the plight still.

On one end, there are many praying to give birth to a new life and on the other, there are many praying to save the life they have given birth to. Each and every day, boundless tears are shed in the struggle to be a mom and also in the struggle to meet the ends of motherhood, such is the contradicting way of life! On this very first Mother's day of your son, make a promise to be compassionate to everyone waging this struggle. Make sure to give your son a happy mother who loves life and teaches him to do so. Pray that with his every giggle may there be lesser and lesser sighs of pain.

Remember motherhood is always an act of courage, the courage to love truly and honestly. With this hope, I wish you a very Happy Mother's day.

Good luck mamma!

Yours truly
- Myself 

How would you like to spend it?

Live life to the fullest because it happens only once, but for few it happens more than once. And I am one of those very few who has been given a golden second chance to live again. In a very unfortunate incident which happened 11years ago, I had almost breathed my last but then I fought back to live because I was not ready.

Yes, I was not really ready, I was in my final year of graduation when that incident had happened and at that point in my life, all I was a darling daughter to my parents and a fun loving being with my friends. Life was just happening without me putting much effort into it. Not that something great happened post this incident its just that something very essential happened, LIFE happened.

The Life that happened in these 11 years has been magical and it carved the real me! Post that incident, I fell in love and I fell out of it many times, but I learnt to value the love I got. I am termed ugly by few and beautiful by few, well it taught me how deceptive looks could be and makes me appreciate the beauty in everything and everyone around me. I realized that happiness is not same for everyone, someone else is happy with less than what I have, an ingredient of compassion was added then. I am most certain now there are few sets of people, who always see my nicer side no matter the emotional turmoil that I put them through, this taught me to appreciate the emotional struggle people go through and respect that. I have failed and won, but I learnt how to cope with how the world treats in both the situation.

Most importantly, I saw a Life go away amidst all of us and I saw a life come into our life, the conflict that my mind went through in these two extremities of nature makes me appreciate, live and love every single moment of this beautiful life. I would have gone just as a darling person to my family, but today that unfortunate incident few years back on which I rebuilt my life has added a lot of gems in my treasury. And yes, just like everyone else my life has also failed to be perfect, but it never has failed to be beautiful. So pause a moment appreciate it, fall in love with yourself and all the abnormalities of your life, trust me you will fondly treasure it someday.

Life is like a coin, so its up to you to decide how you would like to spend it.

Sailing on the same waters in different boats...

Life brings tears, smiles and memories. The tears dry, the smiles fade, but the memories last forever.

The birds are chirping and the flowers in the park are dancing to this euphonious tune of nature. My heart leaped in the remembrance of the times we danced and hugged, I turned towards him, hoping those arms to wipe the boundless tears which shed relentlessly, but only to see him stare at the hopeless future that's ahead of us. I could not stop the gushing memories and he on the other hand was busy blabbering the same three words which was all the vocabulary he was left with. Alas, how for him the memories are lost forever.

This evening for sure makes to the list of the most romantic evenings we have spent together. Once upon a time such an evening had candles which lit up our love and the most melodious poem which he had whispered in my ears. Screams my mind striving to accept that there is no more "us" in his world and beseeches my heart for him to utter a word but there he was blabbering the same three words.

I sat there staring at the infinity wondering at the way fate had played a game of chess with us end of which he was left with life, but lost all his pawns of memories, and I was left with memories but with no life in it. My heart is now like an ocean which has swelled by the never ending inflow of memories. We both are on different boats, but sailing on the same water of memories, I am sinking into it and he is drifting away to the unknown shores, sending waves of excruciating pain.

He had lost the most precious thing in the world his memories which he had made with the people he loved, he sat there not even realizing his loss and I sat there with him, holding onto his memories.
We both were broken picture glued on the wrong ends. Solicits my mind as to who is cursed here is it him or me?


-This blog is my views on the plight of people suffering from Alzheimer and the emotional turmoil that people around them go through
This post was inspired from the blog post made by a wonderful blogger Kappu

A battle with fate...

"Its a boy...", An exclamation which echoed in that operation theater for a moment sounded to me like holding up a sword and announcing the victory.

Yes, this is a little note of our struggle or I would rather call it a battle with fate fought over the years to win fertility. If I count back the day I started to think of raising a family it goes back to 4 years. A hope of raising a new life soon came to a disastrous halt when we learnt it was not that easy to give birth to a new life for us like others, fate had a totally different plan for us.

Although life was very good, infertility set us on a very difficult trail. Hopes, Dreams, Prayers, willingness to endure, had started to crumble at the feet of fate. I at one end was just not willing to give up but every long wait at the gynec, every failed report, every painful intervention, just made the barbarous blow of fate so hard that my sword fell down and was lost in the dust of pain every time. Time kept racing dragging me from year to year, but the struggle never ended. Queues got longer, reports got costlier, tests got painful but there were no signs of hope anywhere.

Almost when I thought I have to accept the defeat as stepped out of the hospital, I turned back and was flabbergasted by the sight I saw there. I saw myself everywhere, yes it was many like me who were fighting the same battle, I was so lost in my own war that I hardly noticed many who are with me fighting the same battle.

Again hope whispered in my ears "Sometimes you just have to wait for fate to make its move". And there I was powered by the love of family and friends, care and dedication of my doctor armed to fight again.

Yes fate is not in our hands, But effort and determination is. End of 4th year, I was there in the delivery room waiting to know the perks of my victory. As the little one was placed on my chest, I at once wanted to shout out Victory at the top of my voice but then realized after all who has won the battle with fate, as always fate must have dropped the sword saying "go live it your way you silly soul".

Tears trickled holding that little beautiful angelic face which sort of was conveying to me that I was never punished, I was just made to wait for this precious gift. Yet again life is beautiful and worth fighting for.

Go away you monsters, don’t ever bother my angel...

Monsters everywhere, those scary long nails, ferocious red eyes, I was very sure all they wanted to was to constantly harm me. My only escape route from those was to hide behind the fairy goddess who always flashed a bright smile and slashed her long black sword to drive away those monsters in no time.

Well, childhood and its fantasies confines to no logical explanation, be it a dream or the imaginary monsters which terrified me, they always drove me to hide behind my mom. Surprisingly she never required me to explain a word to her about my distress and it hardly took a minute for me to get back to the cheerful self as she flashed her beautiful smile, held her neatly braided jet black plait and slashed around saying “Go away you monsters don’t ever bother my angel”.

All these memories started gushing years later, as I sat beside the window staring at nothing, caressing all those wounds caused by never ending infusion of hormones, I could only think how those imaginary monsters were much less scarier than the events and situations of today. I had started falling apart, although we had everything around us but the one thing which left me incomplete was the very report which was right in front of me which turned my life upside down. The hopeless, helpless, feeling that crept had started growing deep in me, when doctors told that there was nothing wrong with us but yet I cannot be mother for no reason. People around kept prying in my life, hopes that peeped with every hormone injection died terribly with every failed test, the emotional torment doubled with every unwanted comment people made.  Trust me it’s impossible to explain what a woman battling infertility faces day in and day out in Indian society.

I tried my best to hide my agony which did mostly go unnoticed amongst many but with my fairy goddess it failed as always. One day out of the blue my mom called me when I was at work and requested me to come along with her on a shopping outing. Although I had no inclination to shop or participate in her shopping there I was driving my car with her speaking endlessly about every possible things on earth. As I was about to take the road to the shopping mall she requested if I could make a short detour to meet her friend, I knew I had no option and I followed her instruction. Event that followed this little detour pulled me from the dark depression instantly into the beauty of life…

There I was at an orphanage of her friend Meera. Impressed by the liveliness of the kids and the environment, I was forced to ask Meera about her motivation, laughing it off all she told was there are so many people who really crave for somebody to love, care and protect them but we somehow neglect it totally and only concentrate on people we care about, break the barrier love yourself for all that you are and spread the immense love in you to people who really deserve. And there was my prescription for depression. 

As my mom continued catching up with her friend, I silently moved behind my mom, hugging her and caressing her neatly braided plait, I smiled thinking how simple it is for my first expert to help me in any situation. 

As she got into car all I could utter was "Thank you mom you are my first expert" and as usual she flashed her beautiful smile held her neatly braided jet black plait, slashing it she said "You monsters here I am back with my expert long black sword, go away you monsters don’t ever bother my angel”.

Dedicated to all the couples battling infertility…

This entry is my submission for #MYFIRSTEXPERT contest sponsored by Godrej Expert rich creme hair color (http://godrejexpert.com/single_used_pack.php)

In the mean time…

It’s been very very long making a post on my blog, this must be the longest I was ever away from my blog. Well at this very moment I don’t know what to feel!  Should I be guilty? Should I be apologetic to myself? Or should I retrospect? …  Well I choose to look around and see how the world changed in the mean time!!!

World has spun over many Plane crashes, Political clashes, World cup match controversies, Rape news,  Wars, Crime, slaughter of innocent people and much more negativity. Walking away from these I can still see a bright sunshine every morning with people like you who dropped me an email suggesting to get back to blogging and cheered me up to set aside my usual reasons to not blog and focus on typing few words to mark my e-presence. 

All the more charming things that are waiting for me is that you all my dear blogger friends have done wonderful posts, many award winning posts as well, so it will keep me occupied, encouraged and entertained. 

Oh by the way, I forgot to mention, In the mean time, from the blessings of Self proclaimed baby making counselors Uncles and Aunties, Me and hubby are on our journey to be mom and dad for the first time. 

So feel free to drop in your experiences, suggestions and fun moments and also be prepared to read few of my hormonal imbalance rants on the blog and be there to encourage me.

So here I am flipping through the days of non blogging to blogging.

Looking forward for more fun!

Ticket to Hollywood!

Well what better way to get back to blogging other than getting nostalgic! So here I am back after a long time to narrate one little incident picked from my nostalgia

It’s almost 4 months now of me getting back to India after my short onsite to US but out of all the wonderful time spent there, I would never forget this not so significant moment of the trip which I am sure my friend would have lost track of.

Receiving an email from my manager to pack my bags for an onsite couldn’t have been more exciting until it read the office location as “LA”, well that’s the place where my best buddy had settled down. From that day onwards every conversation of us was all about planning minimal available post office hours for our sightseeing. My buddy had not missed a single thing and she made sure I made maximum utilization of my stay in LA. 

The day did finally arrive and we were so much excited to meet each other after almost 3years. I don’t have to explain what the scene would be like when 2 long lost friends and that too women meet! 

On day 2 of our sightseeing we got into a bus and our destination was “Hollywood” you can guess the excitement I had and coupled with this were all those gossips I carried had to be discussed. The moment we got into the bus and made ourselves comfortable we were lost in our world of gossips in which we just did not lose ourselves we had as well lost the stop where we had to get down to take a connecting bus to the Hollywood. 

Well the place that I did not know and the new place which my friend as well did not recognize, there we got down and were left with phone GPS. There we were 2 gossipers lost in some corner of LA waiting for the GPS to have some mercy on us and direct us to the right place.

Thankfully the GPS did not disappoint us; it directed us to the nearest connection point where we could get the busses to Hollywood. This time we cautiously followed the GPS and headed towards the exact location where it directed but as we hit the location which the GPS directed, we realized there was no Bus Stop at that location.

Totally confused we rechecked the GPS by reloading it only to see the same location with a quote “You reached your destination” but apart from a small booth there was no signs of a Bus stop! Now we were officially lost and the night had started to fall. As it got dark, my friend frantically started thinking of people who could help us and I heard a sound of a bus passing by I alerted my friend but she waived it off as she took a look around and found nothing.

Just when we had decided to make a call to someone miles away to help us we spotted one human being rushing from the other side towards us. Regaining all the confidence we rushed to seek his help but he was is such hurry that he just said “Sorry folks I will miss the bus if I stop here” and zoomed to the corner where the booth was and vanished in it. I followed him to see stairs leading down and what a relief there was the Bus Stop which we were searching for last one hour and we were right on top of it. Well we had utterly failed to notice a small Booth which led to the road below where the Bus Stop was.

The reliefs, the laughter, the sheepish smile of my friend are so much memorable that it still lingers in my thoughts!!! And there was our ticket to Hollywood!

One night in the Sin City

Sin city has no enough words to be described. Every moment spent there is exhilarating to indefinable ranges. As the sun goes down madness raises to new highs. It’s a place where you can dare to live your wildest dreams and it’s an addiction unbound.

Glittering neon lights, head banging music, high end fashion, classy men, marvelously bitchy women, Scent in the air and to top it all a toxic topping of an alcoholic portion available at every corner to relentlessly flow down in your throat, all in all a perfect combination for creative destruction!

The magic of the place is such that as you drive in to the Las Vegas crossing the famous “Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas” sign board and as the night falls no matter what everybody are aged sexy 21. We were no exception to be engulfed in this fascinating fantasy of Vegas, bunch of friends who wanted to be spoilt for that one night set out in the evening to start our night in the Sin city. 

Our only intention for the night was to get high but where do we start was the question on mind. Whilst  in this place you will just not have to chose from the Bar menu card to be high but you can get instantly high on endless options like the beauty of the city lights, on scrumptious food, on gambling, on mesmerizing shows and on attractive opposite sex. In every other part of the world no two people think alike but here in the sin city million different people thought about only one thing and that was to have everlasting fun!

We decided to get high by kick starting our adrenaline rush with the crazy roller coaster ride on 120th floor of Stratosphere. The pump of adrenaline which started there lasted the whole night. Our next destination was the casino where we were mercilessly disregarded by the wheel of fortune but who cared we gambled across cursing laughing hugging the insane strangers who shared the Roulette, Poker, and Black Jack table with us. That one night no one were strangers there we shared the same pain and all of were bleeding the same way as the dollars diminished. 

As I am writing this post I cannot tell you which was more fun, losing dollars, laughing with strangers, praising the banker across the table to have some mercy on us, Or a sudden decision that we made to go dancing to fool the goddess bad luck who was following across all the table or that how we struggled to map the course of event that happened last night when we woke up the next morning.

As the intercom in the hotel room rang to remind us about our checkout timing from that casino hotel our Vegas high plummeted but as we drove off from the Vegas we friends had created a bunch of memories, stories which will stay with us always as a wonderful memory. For all of you who have got a chance to visit, you will really know what I am trying to tell here and for those who are next up all I can say is Las Vegas looks the way you imagine heaven which leads to hell lot of fun!